Effective engineers are strong problem solvers. Great engineers have also become inspiring leaders and master communicators. Whether you want to take your career to the next level, or simply aspire to round-up your skillset, leveling up your self-awareness and communication skills will open many doors on your personal and professional path. In a spirit of sharing, here are four lessons I have learned.
This is a continuation of part 1
3. Resort to your problem-solving abilities
TL;DR
Analyze problems in a systematic, pragmatic way, and don’t stop there
Assess whether you want to tackle the situation or not
Ask yourself “What is it that I can do about it?”
Use a language of gaps and possibilities rather than one of problems
Propose multiple solutions, as diverse as possible
Honestly list the pros/cons staying away from your own biases
Establish a plan to bridge the gap and a way to measure progress
Follow up regularly
Avoid resorting to problem solving when you engage with someone in an emotionally challenging place, unless they request it.
As engineers and scientists, we have an innate curiosity and desire to figure out how systems work. By understanding how something works, we can come up with hypotheses on how certain changes affect its behavior, and subsequently empirically verify our predictions. Business and communication are no different and can be looked at under this same lens.
Identifying a problem however, is just the first step toward speaking it out. As a young engineer, I often found myself stopping at that step and just communicating the problem once identified. That was a fundamental mistake. Despite noble intentions, we will often be perceived as problem makers, not problem solvers.
Once we identify a problem (the “What”), the first thing we need to address is whether or not there is enough at stake to justify the cost of beginning to explore solutions and eventually solving it (the “If”). We subconsciously do this all the time, when we screen out information to focus on what matters. The same can be applied to problem solving. Not every single problem needs to be solved. Our bandwidth and willpower are limited, and we ought to prioritize and focus on what matters from a business, personal or relationships standpoint.
We can start to reflect and prepare our communication. One of the most empowering question we can ask ourselves anytime we encounter a challenge is: “What is it that I can do about it?”. Put emphasis on the “I” and point both index fingers at yourself while asking this question. Sometimes it feels like things are out of our hands. But in truth, there is always something we can do about it. We always have a choice to talk and act in a candid fashion, or not to. Taking ownership of our part is an efficient way to start a positive dynamic with compassionate intentions, and will set us up for success when we engage in communication.
If we decide to move forward, we then need to clearly articulate the “What” we identified in the previous step. Most often, a good approach is to describe the issue as a gap and quantifying it whenever possible. Expressing a gap is simply saying “Here we are. We want to get there. What can we do about it?” Speaking in terms of gaps is a language of possibilities and opportunities instead of a language of problems, concerns, blame, and exhortation. Here is an example that illustrates the contrast between the two approaches:
Problem language: “I have some bad news. We are tracking behind our sales target.”
Possibilities language: “It is January 31st and we are currently at $200K in sales for Q1. Our goal is to reach $900K by the end of Q1. So, we are currently tracking $100K behind. Let’s talk, what can we can do to bridge that gap?”
Possibility lies in making a difference and creating value from a situation, without denying that certain issues exist. ¹
-Benjamin Zander
The next step is challenging ourselves to express as many potential solutions as we can think of. It is important to keep our mind open, as we always tend to fall into our biases and convincing ourselves that “This is the only real way.” At this point, we really help resolve issues and become problem solvers. An efficient way to keep each other in check when exploring and comparing multiple options, is to pragmatically list the pros and cons for each of them.
Once a plan is chosen to address the gap, we can figure out ways to measure progress as objectively as possible. Timelines and Gantt charts are often applicable here, and we can also decide to measure progress based on value output KPIs, which take into account key parts of the gap we are bridging. The trick here is to find the right balance where what is measure is not too generic and abstract and not too specific either.
Finally, make a point to follow up regularly. Failing to do so is failing to promote healthy accountability, and somewhat nullifies all the work that was done to this point. We can share status updates, use information radiators such as digital and physical boards and foster a culture transparency, accountability and predictability.
Problem solving and gap bridging are great tools to have in our bag, but they are not adapted to every situation. In fact they can be destructive and counterproductive when someone is emotionally struggling. In such instances we need to resort to simply expressing empathy and practicing compassion.
4. Show empathy and practice compassion
TL;DR
Empathy and compassion are crucial at all levels of communication, especially in conflict resolution and emotional support
Refrain from using problem solving (3.)
Put your opinions aside and listen (1.)
Validate his/her perspective
If you can genuinely relate, express your feelings
Ask what he/she would do, and refrain from debating
Sometime just being there in silence is enough, and sometime being compassionate is respecting the need of others to be alone
Sometimes we find ourselves communicating with someone who is struggling emotionally, perhaps experiencing a difficult problem at work or going through a challenging time in their personal life. In these situations, avoid resorting to problem solving. When someone is overwhelmed by their feelings, we want to validate their feelings and support them emotionally, thereby giving them something to relate to and to hold onto.
It is therefore important to refrain from diminishing how someone feels. Sugar-coating or trying to minimize the impact of the situation at stake can sound like this:
“This is no big deal, don’t worry you will be alright”
Here the message is:
“I can’t relate to you. I have no idea what you are going through and I can’t feel your pain.”
Similarly, we want to be very wary of patronizing:
“If you think what happened to you is bad, let me tell you what I went through last year…”
We should also refrain from resorting to our engineering approach of providing solutions when someone is frustrated, upset, sad, angry,… Instead, we can come down from our head to our heart and our senses, and give the gift of our support and our presence. Most often, that just mean sitting next to them and saying:
“This sucks. I know how much of a big deal this is for you. I saw you do everything you could.”
Show up for people in pain and don’t look away. If we want people to bring their whole selves including their unarmored, whole hearts —so that we can innovate, solve problems, and serve people— we have to be vigilant about creating a culture in which people feel safe, seen, heard, and respected.²
-Bréné Brown
We can also resort to simple construction to show empathy, even when we are facing a conflictive situation³:
“Are you feeling <guess their feeling>, because you need <guess their need>?”
This can help us connect in a kind and compassionate way. It doesn’t matter whether we accurately identify the feeling or the need behind it, as long as we show a genuine intent to connect on that level.
Dao 道
Improving our communication and EQ is not as easy as reading a blog post. This territory seems completely limitless to me, made of a myriad of skills of all sizes from learning to say “Thank you!” to public speaking. Each one complements the others and, as we practice them, make us well rounded communicators. And so, if you wish to become a speaker, a leader or simply a better spouse, parent or colleague, prepare yourself for a lifelong adventure of learning and enjoy the ride! There is no end goal here, it is about the journey toward the ideal. Only by understanding that we can never reach it, can we get closer to it.
Thank you for taking the time to read this article. I am grateful for your time and consideration. I will cherish the gift of feedback, and would appreciate if you could tell me in the comments:
- The one concept that most resonated with you
- Any suggestions you may have to improve the content or the delivery
Thank you! 🙏
1: Benjamin Zanders, Choosing Your World, Google ZeitGeist, 2011 ↩
2: Bréné Brown, Dare to Lead ↩
3: Marshall Rosenberg, Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life ↩